Anytime, almost every time, that I find myself feeling sad, distraught, angry, confused, helpless, or any other emotion that causes me to break down, I find myself thinking of my Mom and the fact that she is no longer with me. As much as time is supposed to heal all wounds, I keep finding this one reopening and searing with excruciating pain that seems almost completely unbearable at best. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her or miss her at least once… I had barely had time to get to know her or for her to get to know me, or see my true worth… Or to watch me truly grow up, along with my brother and sister… Its hard not having a mother to call upon when times are rough and I just need to let it all out on the phone without feeling like I’m being judged on the other end. Its so hard to find someone that will love you the way a mother does„ unconditionally and just. No one can teach you the things a mother can, or provide you with the knowledge only a mother has. I hate that I keep having to go back to this. I wish I could just allow myself to move on from it, and to accept it for what it is… but I can’t. I feel partially responsible, and I would do anything to fix it if I could. I need her so bad… I miss her so fucking much. Tears are forming in my eyes as I write this and think of her. I never got the chance to say goodbye or to tell her how important she was to me, how much she really did mean even though I always took her for granted. I have so many regrets… so many things I wish I could change… Its not easy having these thoughts constantly and not having anyone to talk to about it. I hate that I feel that I need to self medicate and go through life feeling numb… I want to be able to express my thoughts, and to embrace my emotions for what they are, and accept that they are happening and just go with them… but I can’t. I’m so scared.. Its so fucked. I just want to be normal again… Is that so much to ask?